Theories: From AOL to Zimbabwe

Below follow some of the theories on the state of the world as I have observed through the over quarter-century that I have been alive. Damn, it's scary to think of it that way. Thank god I'm immortal.

(And yes, that's god in lower case.) Whine and cry - then talk to the hand, 'cause the man ain't listening.

AOL Theory

Anytime you are about to say something positive about the average citizen, just think - AOL has millions of subscribers. That's millions of clueless, blissfully ignorant, mouse-using, bandwidth-clogging newbies.

Now do you understand the level of stupidity we deal with every day?

Accelerated Evolution

When one finds someone with a below-acceptable level of intelligence, it is that individual's responsibility to purge the genetic error from the gene pool. An illustrative example:

Loser-Boy		"Wow! Netscape is so cool!"
Nikhil		"Go stand in the middle of that highway and count some cars for me."

Common Sense

Common sense is the most uncommon commodity.    (Credit: My dad)

God's Gender

Anyone who refers to gods as a males is a hypocrite. You cannot ascribe human attributes to non-human entities. Unless you invent some... Hmm...

Anyone who calls gods females is guilty of that as well as most likely being a self-termed feminist who's trying to start an argument. (See my essay on gender equality to straighten you out on true equality.)

Anyone who refers to a god as "it" is actually thinking for himself.

Religion as a Contagion

Ooh, the "crispies" are gonna love this one...

Religion can be shown to have the same incubation, spread, evolution and mutation properties as any viral or bacterial pathogen. After you stop peeing in your pants, sit down, shut up and think about it. So sorry. Bye, bye.

Zimbabwe Theory

When answering Academic Challenge questions, one needs to ring in early - preferably half-way through the question. When this is done, the answer is invariably either "3" or "Zimbabwe."